When life is fallen apart: English version
by PoisonLida
Summary: In these later days it is very hard to me to remember my past. Only love, friendship, treason of a loved one and live before a transfer to Huntik remained in pieces of memories. And also I remember how it hurt after a betrayal... After Dante's betrayal. What happend? Why did I lost my memory? I don't remember. I don't remember anything.


_**Thank you, JaneNero, for translation!  
I don't own Huntik.  
****P.****S. The song's text belong to Sam Samohin and Yana Uspenskaya.  
****P.P.S. Сэм, это было самое крутое день рождения!))**_

* * *

_Три __секунды  
__Ничтожного __времени__…  
__Три секунды ―  
__Боль и ненависть…  
__Три __секунды__ ―  
__И __рухнули __стены__!  
__Три секунды ―  
__И мой выбор сделан!_

_[Three seconds of_  
_Negligibly time..._  
_Three seconds ―_  
_Pain and hatred..._  
_Three seconds ―_  
_And collapsed walls..._  
_Three seconds ―_  
_And my choice is made!]_

I have no air. Time stood still, and then it became viscous, blurry. It seems as if I touch the void, and around it will be something nasty, like mucus. Light, the feelings, everything feels numb, frozen, like covered with a crust, not giving a chance to get inside and reach the oxygen molecules. Everything stopped around and then there was complete silence. For some reason I was reminded of a quote: "Sometimes, in the quest to become ordinary people, many lose themselves, colors of the world. They forget, as it may sound silence, for them it just rings." And now the rang was deafening, baffled. My heart slowed its pace, too, almost stopped, stopped beating. This emptiness and silence inside that I wanted to break, to destroy, to be no more. But I could not. In general, I could not help but to lie without a single movement and to look up, blinking occasionally as my eyes started to hurt and tears appeared. Although in my position, even this would not have happened. I wandered too far in his quest, gave too much away for nothing, too much resist when death smiled me in the face and boldly, mockingly, as if it knew that a little something was left in me, laughing. My lips trembled,my skin whitened. My mind refused to believe what had happened. "You're strong," once a good man said to me. I thought so as well, therefore, without looking my way to a new life, sweeping away everything in my way. In a life which is called "emptiness". Yes, it was too late. I was hoping that I would be happy, that I'd never change, I will not return back to that and will stop lying. I thought I was strong, with all the handle, but it was just too much self-confidence that brought me here ... to nowhere. Consciousness began to thicken, lost, everything swam before my eyes, the picture crumbled like sand. And only one - a sharp, fleeting, prickly, penetrating to the heart, bright, like lightning during a severe thunderstorm - so I thought.

_I._

_Have._

_No._

_Air._

I want to get up, but it does not work. I want to scream, but my voice is frozen in my throat. I would like to ask for help, but it is even impossible for me to move. Everything froze, frozen, nothing is moving, as if time had stopped. My head can not understand how this could happen. I'm smart, prudent... and closing. Is it just because of this? Last time I recall, I was difficulty trying to whisper. It does not work, my lips are like atrophied. Everything is silent as response to my silent calls, deafening. Only a tear ― a small, tiny, lonely ― tear rolled down my cheek.

_Я __жива__!  
__Я __теперь __твоя__…  
__  
Волна!  
Передоз__, __это__передоз__!  
__Бесполезно __пытаться __всплыть__!  
__Передоз, это передоз!  
Вот и всё ― теперь я часть тебя!_

_[I'm alive!_  
_Now I'm yours..._

_Wave!_  
_Overdose, it is overdose!_  
_Futile to try to ascend!_  
_Overdose, it is overdose!_  
_And that's it ― now I'm a part of you.]_

I felt numb, I did not get enough air. My hands clenched so tightly that they are already numb.

Spasm of the body.

I overwhelmed it. Covered by a so powerful wave that I was not able to get out and fight back. This has become my addiction habit that I will never get rid of. No, I was not a drug addict, nor sitting in the hospitals, but the current state was like a break-up ― I missed that, I felt the need to be dying, if this will not happen soon...

As it is now.

Here it is ― the present state of the addict ― whom I, I repeat, is not, but the sensations were similar ― that is that I am so in need of a dose, and even paralyzed. That's exactly the same - no traffic, only occasionally lowered eyelids to the eyes and the chest rises due to the fact that the lungs are trying to fill with air. And nothing more. And a tiny, almost imperceptible, teardrop.

I screamed? I think I did.

But only the first time. And then resigned. And I just waited. I did not want it, and so wanted to... But all I was able to do was wait.

Did I ask for this? I can not recall that I did...

And for what? Who will listen to me? Yes, nobody cares. They would only be a wry smile, trying to raise this huge bed in which my emaciated body will lay in in a few months.

I cried? Probably not. Or did I?

I don't remember.

I remember nothing.

_I._

_Have._

_No._

_Air._

What was the cause of this condition? Just recently there have been very sad changes which turned in my life. There were two. Two, but I am one of it, because of them I became like a doll, limp, without past nor future. I still feel one hell of a cold in the body at the moment of realization that I was deceived in their expectations that nothing will ever be like before. Life at the moment gave a very tough fight back, deprived me of everything I've collected a lot of time, it hurt so much that I still can not move. This ice seemed to have spread all over the body,like frozen veins, heart stopped and took up all hope. I still feel the wild heat of anger that swept over me at that moment. I wanted to destroy, to shout, to do everything, just to go back to a time when I thought I could recover the wreckage of my worthless life. I was too self-confident. I still remember the pain when I saw them together ― no, no hugs, no, not in bed, no, no kissing, just looking at each other with such love and tenderness with what he did not look at me ― such happiness that at the time it seemed to me that I do not need him. And was it true? Yes, I knew he was a womanizer in his bed visited by more than one woman in Venice, but I hoped that I was something he fell in love for real! Hell, he has become the reference point link, which led me to the void. He became my addiction for a long time, without knowing it, and then gave way to this place or to other things. Sweet and bitter, like sugar and mustard, which make you dream to be in the clouds, but it is so well cut to the ground like being buckled from under the feet already. No, I was not a drug addict, an alcoholic or a smoker. No, you are my dear, I do not put my hands on this. This, of course, self-hypnosis, but sometimes it is enough. Yes, all this time I lied. Lied to myself. But now I could not. Do you understand? I got out of this damn bed, shivering with cold and hunger, and went to the kitchen to get something to eat. Dependence progressed. I became my own slave. And now... I could not. Do you see it? I'm alive, damn it! Yes, I'm still dependent, and very serious. But I again becoming brutal, domineering, and strong. And no I do not need that. Yes so that I, at least, died a traitor. Once I did, what I wrote above, choking resentment and bitterness, but not tears, it was my internal state. Like growing some rare outlandish flower, one person loved him, nursed constantly gave him the best thing that can be in life, and then abruptly ― when this same flower rose and almost okrepnul of such tender and faithful (as it turned out later, false and flattering) love ― burned it to ashes, and the ashes that causes excruciating pain and left in place to admire the work done, his legs crossed and smiling ironically. But I live, people. I still look bold, confident, beautiful, and I'm ready to fight on. And inside I burned, killed, raped and trampled. But I'm alive. And the continuation of my life which is all I have... And there is no strength. Neither can I move nor scream. Just look upward straight ahead, lay motionless and feel lonely tear on her cheek. But I can not. Again, I'm the one that does not need anyone, evil and heartless. Again, I'll walk on the razor's edge. And again I'll smile all artificial, as if though. Yes it will. I will be back to my old. I swear. Yes, that's when I left out one important and tiny, but a necessary thing.

_Бесполезно пытаться всплыть!_

_[It is useless to ascend!]_

My addiction became my pain, my doom... and my salvation. It took all my strength, gave a kick up to the backside and helped to get up and go on. It took the memories ― clean, bright and filled with joy and love ― and instead reminded who I am. It seems that I have, and so know that I am a loner by nature, introverted, melancholic, angry, rude, and everything like that. But I turned away from loneliness. And nothing did change. Because it does not hurt. Betrayal. Do not get kiss and then abruptly get stabbed in the chest near the heart. Do not hit and don't beat. i will not wipe the blood from my lips, whispering tenderness and a second hand leading the edge over the skin. It only was an embrace. Calm. Lull. And then would be your second "I" begin to envelop, penetrate into the heart, soul, and will remain there. When something with me so it was. Once I was alone, with no friends, only with their bitter memories. And then something happened... But what?

I don't remember.

I almost remember nothing.

No, something was left. Some kind of battle, organization, brother and sister - Shauna and Wind seems - and then I get hit on the head, a lot of blood, emptiness ... I woke up in the hospital, stood next to the three men - as it turned out, it was my friends and loved one - and a talk to a doctor. "A serious and long amnesia," ― he said as he sighed upsetly, ― "damaged nerve channels, can be deep depression and bouts of hysteria. It does not depend on it, it solves the body." I listened and tried to remember what had happened. But it turned out bad. And then I realized... depression and hysteria.

_I._

_Have._

_No._

_Air._

I remember the nightmares ― a terrible shadow crawling towards me. I remember screaming, from which I woke up. I remember the tears and shortness of breath. I remember him trying to hug me,me slapping and fighting back and the phrase: "Do not come near me!". I remember the dawn ― beautiful, bright. I remember the pain ― life is over and them it stopped.

I was losing my mind.

Amnesia was the second and last reason in turning my life crazy. The first was loss of memory, there was only one hint. Dependence treated me, a tidal wave, rescued from reality and wild aching pain in the head and body, in those places where Shauna was using a spell which made me freeze in place, and then began to shred with a knife, as if to cut me into sections. I have no doubt that it was true. Were I screaming? Did I Cry? What did I do?!

_I don't remember._

_I remember nothing._

Now my best friend - my addiction, my wave, was here, covering my head and not lettimg go. My mind kept clinging hard onto this moment, as well as life. No, the third time I say I'm not a drug addict, not a smoker, not an alcoholic. But it only makes me - sweet as sugar, and bitter at the same time, to select all that while giving up life instead.

I have only one dependency.

_Hope._


End file.
